I’ve been hiding in my room a lot the past few days. I tend to do that when life gets overwhelming. It may not be the healthiest way to cope, but it works as long as I don’t stay there too long. Introverted by nature, sometimes I just have to step away from everything. I read. I pray. I listen to inspirational music. And sometimes I just sleep…
Yesterday my stepmother went to be with Jesus. So I’m in one of those phases today. I will be ok. I just need some alone time.
One positive that comes from me hiding out is I tend to write more, and writing is therapeutic for me.
Today I am in a weird place. I’m hiding out, but I’m restless. Having exhausted all the usual mind-numbing habits (checking facebook, flipping through channels, etc) I decided to open the Bible. I realize that should be the first thing I do, not the last. However, today it just is what it is. I’ve had it next to me on the bed. I have looked at it several times. I just haven’t brought myself to open it.
Why do I do that to myself? I’m not angry at God. I’m not being lazy. (Well, I am being lazy, but not about that…) So what then?
Something I read in “A Confident Heart” by Renee Swope keeps coming back to mind. She said “He’s led me beyond believing in Him to really believing Him by relying on the power of His words and living like they are true no matter what my feelings tell me.” Wow. I read that a few days ago, but I can’t let it go. It struck a powerful chord in me. I think that is why I have such a hard time reading the Bible. That is why I make progress in my walk but slide back downhill. I struggle daily to believe Him. I believe IN HIM, but that isn’t the same thing.
I believe in a lot of people, but I don't necessarily believe what comes out of their mouths. Belief in a person just means they exist. I believe Hitler existed, but I certainly don't believe in the things he said. I believe in the existence of politicians, but yeah....you get the point...
But Jesus...now there is someone I should have no doubts about! I mean just think about it. Jesus made some pretty powerful promises. So why do I live in fear and doubt? It boils down to a faith problem. So I am praying for faith. I want to be secure in the knowledge that my Father’s got this. I want turning to God to be as natural as breathing. I want to kneel at the altar and KNOW that He hears me.
He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20
Lord, you know my heart. Open my eyes to your truth and give me the faith to believe everything your Word tells me. Grow my relationship with you so that I recognize your voice above all others. Help me be secure and confident in you. Thank you, Lord, for the changes you have already made in me and the ones that are coming. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.