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Thursday, October 24, 2013

Priceless Love

I almost didn't participate in the blog hop this week.  I struggle with depression, and today isn't great. 

That's just the reason I figured I should go for it!  It may be short, but I will push through this.  I will at least share what God has showed me this week...

 
 
This book keeps touching me in many ways, but this part stopped me in my tracks.  It hit me so hard I actually had to go back and read it again....and tweet about it...and post about it on Facebook.  This is me, every second of every day. 
 
I don't even know where to start:
  • I like my house until I see how much nicer everyone else's is...and then I realize I'm not providing enough for my family.
  • I am proud of my children, but when they make mistakes I feel like I wasn't a good enough parent.
  • I love my lifegroup (small group at church), but I see how they all have more willpower and success and money than me...so I feel like a huge loser. 
  • I enjoy writing my blog, but since I don't much of a following sometimes I want to give up. 
  • Everyone says I am pretty decent at photography, but then I see how amazing others are and realize I will never measure up.
  • I love my husband, but I don't feel like I'm a good enough wife to him.
  • I'm struggling to find the right job, so I am a failure in my career.
I could go on all day...you get the idea.
 
I default to self-loathing.  I'm stuck on that setting.  It's like auto-correct on your phone that always goes straight to the same word.  In my case, that word is "loser". 
 
Sometimes it makes me work harder and harder to please others or get a promotion or have more people read my blog or whatever...other times I just want to give up.  It's exhausting, and I feel like I will never measure up.  Because the truth is, if I'm basing my worth on things or titles or people I never will! 
 
If I get that job I can call myself a _______.  Then I will be enough.
If I get _______ followers on my blog I can call myself a writer.  Then I will be enough.
If my kids graduate with honors from college and get that perfect job, then I will be enough.
If I manage to keep the house perfectly clean and arrange my furniture a certain way and decorate like a magazine picture, then I will be enough.
If I get a better house and stick to a better eating plan and workout more and make more money and and and....then I will be enough.
 
Guess what?  My job will never be enough.  I will always want to improve myself.  I will always want to keep knowing more people are interested in my words.  My kids will always do their own thing and make their own choices.  No matter how new my furniture is, once we live in it a few weeks there will always be something better out there.  There will always be someone skinnier.  There will always be a bigger house. There will always be others that will be "more" than me. 
 
God's love is priceless.  He loves me no matter what.  The problem is that I can't seem to love myself.   
 
I have to learn that I am worthy because GOD SAYS I AM.  
 
And if I can't receive that and let it be enough, nothing else ever will be...
 
 
 

 
 

4 comments:

  1. Good for you for writing any way today! I love your honesty and transparency here. Real and refreshing. Your words speak to what so many feel but are afraid to voice. That's a good thing when it comes to writing because people want to read messages they can relate to but then also points them to a direction of change - which you do by pointing them to God and His truth. Keep writing Heather. You are worthy. Believe it. I do and more importantly, God does, and He can't believe in something that isn't true. Praying for you!
    Katrina Wylie (FB small group leader)

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  2. I agree that nothing will ever be enough for our hearts bc God put unfailing love in our hearts and only He can fill that. He is the only one who's love is perfect and unfailing. Also HE put it there which means He wants to fill it. :) thank u for sharing.

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  3. Heather I am so proud of you for writing when you didn't feel like it. This is so insightful. I think I use to think I was not enough and finally reached the belief that I am...I am the best 'ME' I can be and it's all I can do. I keep striving to learn, improve and enjoy all that God has blessed me with!

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  4. Wow! That was a very deep post. Proud of you for writing and putting yourself out there like that and being honest. My dear Sister in Christ, I too struggle with depression, it comes and goes like a roller coaster. It is amazing how we can compare ourselves to others. I pray that this book penetrates your depression and heals you from it. Heals you so completely that all you can see is how much God loves you. I understand it is easy to say it and know it in our heads but I pray that it penetrates the deepest part of your heart. My heart too! God Bless you my sister and keep posting. It will truly be a healing process and God works in you and all of us ladies as we do this study together.

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