Rambling Out Loud

I’m forty and have been wondering all my life where I fit into this world.    Never really a social butterfly, yet not quite an outcast…something of a loner who often still longs for the company of a friend…never popular but not really unpopular either…always looking for my niche but never belonging fully to any group… I am a wallflower.   I am a Hazel.   I am an observer in the world.   (If you got both of those references, I love you.   If not, read “Perks of Being a Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky and “The Fault in Our Stars” by John Green.   Seriously.   Do it.  I don't care that you are an adult and they are technically written for young adults.) But I don’t want to be an observer… I want to be an extrovert, always the life of the party.   I want to be the artistic soul who creates beautiful art and music and poetry. I want to be the intellectual everyone listens to for their sage wisdom. I want to make a mark in the world.   I want to be remembered.

This didn't go the way I thought it would.  I started this poem with a different goal in mind, but it ended up here.  It's a compilation of things people say to me in my depression before they walk away.  Eventually, most people do walk away.  Depression drains the victim, their family, and their friends.  It sucks for everyone.  Frustration Pray some more Try this pill Find your joy Must be God’s will Pick yourself up Just push through Make it happen It’s all on you Take a class Make a friend Distract yourself And it will end Fake a smile We all get sad Snap out of it Or I’ll get mad It never stops I can’t get through No matter what I say to you I have no words I see no end And so I walk away My friend

My laptop is about to die...because I'm about to hurl it through a window... Ok not really, but it IS irritating the heck out of me.  I keep facing the blue screen of death.  Sure, it reboots and works again, but I never know when the next crash will occur.  So I'm typing away on a droid touchscreen phone...good times.  I'm praying a factory reset will restore my laptop's sanity!  Now I'm off to do laundry...because THAT is how exciting I am.  Was there a purpose to this?  Not really, but this IS my place to ramble out loud...

I almost didn't participate in the blog hop this week.  I struggle with depression, and today isn't great.  That's just the reason I figured I should go for it!  It may be short, but I will push through this.  I will at least share what God has showed me this week...     This book keeps touching me in many ways, but this part stopped me in my tracks.  It hit me so hard I actually had to go back and read it again....and tweet about it...and post about it on Facebook.  This is me, every second of every day.    I don't even know where to start: I like my house until I see how much nicer everyone else's is...and then I realize I'm not providing enough for my family. I am proud of my children, but when they make mistakes I feel like I wasn't a good enough parent. I love my lifegroup (small group at church), but I see how they all have more willpower and success and money than me...so I feel like a huge loser.  I enjoy writing

Then you will know that I am the Lord ; those who hope in me will not be disappointed.  Isaiah 49:23b I've decided that for this week's blog hop in  Proverb's 31 "A Confident Heart" Study , I will "unpack" Isaiah 49:23b.  See:  Verse Mapping   I considered all the other topics, but since doubt and depression are huge issues for me I didn't feel ready to write about them.  Maybe I will get there...f or now, Isaiah 49:23b.   The first thing I did was personalize... Then  Heather will know that I am the Lord; when Heather hopes in me she will not be disappointed. I need to remind myself that He speaks directly to me through His word.  Next I thought about the word "know".   It doesn't say Heather will speculate or guess or think...it says "know".  That is tough for me.  I want no doubts.  I want to be sure with everything in me that He is Lord and what He says is true.  Theoretically I get it, but I still quest

And we are off on a new adventure... As some of you know, I am jumping into an online study for the book "A Confident Heart" by Renee Swope. You should check it out!   Proverbs 31 Online Bible Studies Anywhoo...I've struggled with low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-loathing, and any other negative self-whatever-you-can-think-of for as long as I can remember.  I drive myself (and often everyone else around me) crazy with it. I am begging and screaming and praying that God will use this to heal some seriously broken junk within me....not through my power but HIS. Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26 Actually, God tells us that in his Word MANY times...so I'm holding on to that truth for dear life! Please keep me in your prayers as I delve into this head first.  Thanks.  Love you!

Life is hard. Not “my life is hard” or “your life is hard”. Life is just hard. I know it may not be an epiphany for some of you, but this is where I work out the thoughts in my head. Hear me out.  Last night, I watched the Glee episode where they said goodbye to Finn. The actor, Cory Monteith, died from a deadly combination of heroin and alcohol. He had gone to rehab more than once, but addiction ultimately claimed his life. He was only 31. He was rich and famous and had a beautiful girlfriend (some rumors say fiancée). His story is one of a kid who got wrapped up in drugs, dropped out of school and was headed nowhere. In a “rags to riches” story straight out of Hollywood, the kid without a future auditioned for a role on Glee and made it. He didn’t get a little bit part either. Cory’s character, Finn Hudson, was the core of the group. In fact, I’d say Finn was what made Glee great. He was the dopey jock that actually cared about people. He was the nice kid that just

I’ve been hiding in my room a lot the past few days.   I tend to do that when life gets overwhelming.   It may not be the healthiest way to cope, but it works as long as I don’t stay there too long.   Introverted by nature, sometimes I just have to step away from everything.   I read.   I pray.   I listen to inspirational music.   And sometimes I just sleep… Yesterday my stepmother went to be with Jesus.   So I’m in one of those phases today.   I will be ok.   I just need some alone time.   One positive that comes from me hiding out is I tend to write more, and writing is therapeutic for me.   Today I am in a weird place.   I’m hiding out, but I’m restless.   Having exhausted all the usual mind-numbing habits (checking facebook, flipping through channels, etc) I decided to open the Bible.   I realize that should be the first thing I do, not the last.   However, today it just is what it is.   I’ve had it next to me on the bed.   I have looked at it several times.   I just h

This morning our pastor spoke on forgiveness. I smugly sat there thinking I knew all about the topic.   Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t sitting there with an attitude.   I wasn’t being a jerk and with arms folded and a sour expression.   I was honestly happy to be in the house of God.   When I realized what the message was about I remember thinking that we can all use a reminder to pray about whatever cancers we are letting eat away at us.   But God did not just show me a face or two.   I was struck by a tsunami.   To be honest, I’m not even sure I could describe the flood of faces, names and emotions that were pouring through me.   I was overwhelmed.   I was broken. When I say broken, I’m not exaggerating.   I was destroyed.   Tears streamed down my face.    I was a sobbing mess.   I cried and snotted (calling it like it was) so hard I had no choice but to make my way to the altar because that’s where the tissues are located.   I know my husband loves me, but I thought he m

Recently, God has convicted me that I need to spend much more time in His word.   The challenge is that I am not following someone else’s study. There is nothing wrong with studies led by others, and in the future I have no problem doing them.   But I have been convicted that God wants to speak to our hearts sometimes without being colored by another person’s opinion.   So I am praying and letting Him lead me in understanding. Why Ephesians?   I’m not really sure.   It may stem way back to youth camp.   The focus one summer was Ephesians.   It must have been powerful because I remember it, and there are actually very few things I remember vividly:   ·          Dawson (Noswad) McAllister and the snot jokes ·          Bright yellow t-shirts ·          Some cute guy at Devil’s Bathtub (It was a rock basin type thing…hey, I didn’t name it!) ·          The gum tree (kinda gross actually) ·          The wasps that were EVERYWHERE ·          COOKIE DOUGH (eaten while feig

My heart is broken for this world.   There is so much pain and hunger and fear and injustice.   It’s often difficult for me to find a balance between caring and letting it all overwhelm me.   Maybe that is the reason missionaries and the people they serve have been on my mind so much… I’m not sure how many of you know that I felt called to go into missions when I was thirteen.   Over the next few years, I convinced myself that it was just a “church camp high”.   My logic was that there is no way God would ever call ME.   Psh.   Who am I?   Nothing. I have gone back to this over the years.   Sometimes I feel the pull so strongly it threatens to overwhelm me.   I get so frustrated by the fact that I seem stuck where I am.   I cry out to God, “If you want me to go, then show me the way!!!”   At other times it’s a gentle tug…somewhere in the back of my mind I feel His presence urging me on to something.   The closer to God I get, the harder it is to ignore.   What purpose coul