Showing posts from 2013

Ponderings of a Self-Proclaimed Wallflower...


The Blue Screen of Death

My laptop is about to die...because I'm about to hurl it through a window...Ok not really, but it IS irritating the heck out of me.  I keep facing the blue screen of death.  Sure, it reboots and works again, but I never know when the next crash will occur.  So I'm typing away on a droid touchscreen phone...good times.  I'm praying a factory reset will restore my laptop's sanity!  Now I'm off to do laundry...because THAT is how exciting I am.  Was there a purpose to this?  Not really, but this IS my place to ramble out loud...

Priceless Love

I almost didn't participate in the blog hop this week.  I struggle with depression, and today isn't great. 

That's just the reason I figured I should go for it!  It may be short, but I will push through this.  I will at least share what God has showed me this week...

This book keeps touching me in many ways, but this part stopped me in my tracks.  It hit me so hard I actually had to go back and read it again....and tweet about it...and post about it on Facebook.  This is me, every second of every day.  I don't even know where to start: I like my house until I see how much nicer everyone else's is...and then I realize I'm not providing enough for my family. I am proud of my children, but when they make mistakes I feel like I wasn't a good enough parent. I love my lifegroup (small group at church), but I see how they all have more willpower and success and money than I feel like a huge loser.  I enjoy writing my blog, but since I don't much of a follo…

Unpacking a Verse: Isaiah 49:23b

Then you will know that I am the Lord;
those who hope in me will not be disappointed.  Isaiah 49:23b

I've decided that for this week's blog hop in Proverb's 31 "A Confident Heart" Study, I will "unpack" Isaiah 49:23b.  See: Verse Mapping

I considered all the other topics, but since doubt and depression are huge issues for me I didn't feel ready to write about them.  Maybe I will get there...for now, Isaiah 49:23b.

The first thing I did was personalize...

Then Heather will know that I am the Lord; when Heather hopes in me she will not be disappointed.

I need to remind myself that He speaks directly to me through His word. 

Next I thought about the word "know".   It doesn't say Heather will speculate or guess or says "know".  That is tough for me.  I want no doubts.  I want to be sure with everything in me that He is Lord and what He says is true.  Theoretically I get it, but I still question Him all the time.  And then it…

Excited Newbie

And we are off on a new adventure...

As some of you know, I am jumping into an online study for the book "A Confident Heart" by Renee Swope.

You should check it out!  Proverbs 31 Online Bible Studies

Anywhoo...I've struggled with low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-loathing, and any other negative self-whatever-you-can-think-of for as long as I can remember.  I drive myself (and often everyone else around me) crazy with it.

I am begging and screaming and praying that God will use this to heal some seriously broken junk within me....not through my power but HIS.

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

Actually, God tells us that in his Word MANY I'm holding on to that truth for dear life!

Please keep me in your prayers as I delve into this head first.  Thanks.  Love you!

Because life is just hard...

Life is hard. Not “my life is hard” or “your life is hard”. Life is just hard.

I know it may not be an epiphany for some of you, but this is where I work out the thoughts in my head. Hear me out. 

Last night, I watched the Glee episode where they said goodbye to Finn. The actor, Cory Monteith, died from a deadly combination of heroin and alcohol. He had gone to rehab more than once, but addiction ultimately claimed his life. He was only 31. He was rich and famous and had a beautiful girlfriend (some rumors say fiancĂ©e). His story is one of a kid who got wrapped up in drugs, dropped out of school and was headed nowhere. In a “rags to riches” story straight out of Hollywood, the kid without a future auditioned for a role on Glee and made it. He didn’t get a little bit part either. Cory’s character, Finn Hudson, was the core of the group. In fact, I’d say Finn was what made Glee great. He was the dopey jock that actually cared about people. He was the nice kid that just n…

The faith of a mustard seed...

I’ve been hiding in my room a lot the past few days.I tend to do that when life gets overwhelming.It may not be the healthiest way to cope, but it works as long as I don’t stay there too long. Introverted by nature, sometimes I just have to step away from everything.I read.I pray.I listen to inspirational music.And sometimes I just sleep…
Yesterday my stepmother went to be with Jesus.So I’m in one of those phases today.I will be ok.I just need some alone time.
One positive that comes from me hiding out is I tend to write more, and writing is therapeutic for me.
Today I am in a weird place.I’m hiding out, but I’m restless.Having exhausted all the usual mind-numbing habits (checking facebook, flipping through channels, etc) I decided to open the Bible.I realize that should be the first thing I do, not the last.However, today it just is what it is.I’ve had it next to me on the bed.I have looked at it several times.I just haven’t brought myself to open it.
Why do I do that to myself? I’m not …

Dysfunctional Forgiveness

This morning our pastor spoke on forgiveness.
I smugly sat there thinking I knew all about the topic.Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t sitting there with an attitude.I wasn’t being a jerk and with arms folded and a sour expression.I was honestly happy to be in the house of God.When I realized what the message was about I remember thinking that we can all use a reminder to pray about whatever cancers we are letting eat away at us.But God did not just show me a face or two.I was struck by a tsunami.To be honest, I’m not even sure I could describe the flood of faces, names and emotions that were pouring through me.I was overwhelmed.I was broken.
When I say broken, I’m not exaggerating.I was destroyed.Tears streamed down my face.I was a sobbing mess.I cried and snotted (calling it like it was) so hard I had no choice but to make my way to the altar because that’s where the tissues are located. I know my husband loves me, but I thought he might frown at his sleeve being used as a Kleenex.Fi…

Planting Seeds

Recently, God has convicted me that I need to spend much more time in His word.The challenge is that I am not following someone else’s study. There is nothing wrong with studies led by others, and in the future I have no problem doing them.But I have been convicted that God wants to speak to our hearts sometimes without being colored by another person’s opinion.So I am praying and letting Him lead me in understanding. Why Ephesians?I’m not really sure.It may stem way back to youth camp.The focus one summer was Ephesians.It must have been powerful because I remember it, and there are actually very few things I remember vividly: ·Dawson (Noswad) McAllister and the snot jokes
·Bright yellow t-shirts
·Some cute guy at Devil’s Bathtub (It was a rock basin type thing…hey, I didn’t name it!)
·The gum tree (kinda gross actually)
·The wasps that were EVERYWHERE
·COOKIE DOUGH (eaten while feigning a headache to avoid sports I wasn’t into at all)
·A few pranks in the dorms (of course I was completely in…

Kingdom Mindedness

My heart is broken for this world.There is so much pain and hunger and fear and injustice.It’s often difficult for me to find a balance between caring and letting it all overwhelm me.Maybe that is the reason missionaries and the people they serve have been on my mind so much…
I’m not sure how many of you know that I felt called to go into missions when I was thirteen.Over the next few years, I convinced myself that it was just a “church camp high”.My logic was that there is no way God would ever call ME.Psh.Who am I?Nothing.
I have gone back to this over the years.Sometimes I feel the pull so strongly it threatens to overwhelm me.I get so frustrated by the fact that I seem stuck where I am.I cry out to God, “If you want me to go, then show me the way!!!”At other times it’s a gentle tug…somewhere in the back of my mind I feel His presence urging me on to something.The closer to God I get, the harder it is to ignore.
What purpose could He have for the likes of me?
I have recently had a bit …