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Wednesday, January 25, 2012

A Fairy Tale Life...

People always seem to long for a "fairy tale" life...but I was thinking, is that really a good thing?

Sure, MOST of them end well...but what did they have to endure to get to that point?  And even with the "happy" endings, was the final result all that great?

Cinderella was an emotionally abused orphan. She had to deal with the untimely death of both her parents!  To make matters worse, she was stuck with a horrible stepmother and two nasty pieces of work for stepsisters.  They made her a seriously overworked servant and teased her mercilessly.  I know some kids who aren't crazy about their steps, but come on...most aren't THAT bad...

Think about it...they would rather BREAK THE LAW then let her have one night of happiness!  These are not pleasant roommates, people!

Skip to the fairy godmother...she waves her magic wand and....

            POOF!  Instant makeover!!!


http://stylefrizz.com/200801/pictures-of-celebrities-as-disney-legends-by-annie-leibovitz/
Sorry...I was going to use the cartoon, but I thought this was beautiful...even if it is an ad for Disney.

Now even I can admit that the idea of a fabulous transformation into a gorgeous supermodel, wearing red-carpet-worthy duds, would be nice, but even that had an expiration date.  Midnight, remember?  And don't get me started on the animal rights violations...

So what happens after that?  She has a great time at a killer party, meets a rich hottie, gets jiggy wit it....ok, my daughter would be gagging now, so I'll stop...
Anyway, the hottie (aka Prince Charming) was bored to tears and didn't even want to be there.  He had been perfectly happy single, roaming about the kingdom doing princely things...slaying dragons, rescuing maidens, blah blah blah.  But the second he sees Cinderella he is struck dumb with love.  Are you serious???  LOVE?  Really?  Methinks the blood flow to the brain was going elsewhere...

At midnight, she runs away and leaves the glass slipper, so he uses that to find her...since of course, no two women could possibly wear the same size.  (I'm guessing he was tired of mom's nagging for a grandbaby, so he agrees to marry the winner of his weird little contest.)  He makes every woman in the kingdom try it on, but luckily for him,  it doesn't fit anyone except a ragged little scullery maid.  Now, forgive me, but wouldn't he remember her face if he loved her that much?  Oh wait!  I forgot he was looking for a hot supermodel, not a dirty slave.  Plus, the blood flow was back, and he probably sobered up a bit.  Though surprised, he remembers that she cleans up well, so he figures "what the hell"?


Sure, she has a dream wedding and becomes a princess.  Complete with palace and designer clothes, our girl lives in style now, but what did she marry?  A rich jock who thinks she's hot.  Nice.  How's that going to play out in a few years, once she plumps up from all the royal babies, sumptuous feasts, and sitting in the throne room all day?


Moving on...

Rapunzel. This poor girl was stolen from her family by a selfish witch and locked in a tower!  LOCKED in a tower!!!  How would you like to go all your life without going outside?  I'm talking a serious closet case.  Claustrophobic much?  And can you imagine having hair that long?  I mean, I know it looks great in a storybook picture, but what a pain in the butt!  The weight and upkeep of that mop alone would make me nuts.  Let's not forget that it was also her foster mom's favorite climbing rope...can you say "migraine"?  OUCH!

http://www.myspace.com/flexwriterscafe/blog/526361613
Diggin the brunette Rapunzel...no offense to you blondes out there!
Like any rebellious teenager who has been grounded for a long, long, LONG time...Rapunzel gets bored.  So when a hot guy with mad climbing skills impersonates the witch and jumps in her window, she's thrilled to sneak out.  What can I say?  She likes to live dangerously...but it catches up with her.  When witch-mommy finds them, she's furious.  So she blinds Mr. Sexy, and whisks Rapunzel away.  Control freak.  (Then again, a daddy would have been even worse...)

ANYWAY, they eventually find each other...after years of misery.  I know you're shocked, but they get married.  Duh.  But has anyone thought about the future?

This girl is going to need some serious therapy. After growing up a closet case, in a dysfunctional, single-parent family, she runs off with the first man she meets.  The couple is then a victim of domestic violence.  This sounds like an episode of Springer!

While searching for a great Rapunzel picture (that wasn't from Tangled...which by the way is a great movie), I found this and HAD to share...

http://www.coloribus.com/adsarchive/prints/bru-cappuccino-rapunzel-11382905/
Haha!  I guess the point is that she made cappuccino that smells so great it's attracting the neighborhood...but oh how wrong this could go...and the slogan is "Drink more, Flirt more".  Isn't that usually the case?  :)


The other fairy tales had their issues too...

Sleeping Beauty was in a Maleficent-induced coma for 100 years.  Talk about a headache from oversleeping!  I have always wondered about the logic in the Disney version...the fairies hid her all her life,  but brought her back on her sixteenth birthday, which was the VERY DAY THE CURSE WOULD HAPPEN. Is it just me, or should they have been taking extra precautions during the birthday week...I mean, take her home the day after!!!  And by the way...scariest witch/dragon EVER when I was a kid...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:DragonMaleficent.jpg
I want my mommy!


The Miller's Daughter had an idiot for a father who liked to show off.  The king heard that she could spin straw into gold, and the greedy jerk locked her up!  Ordered to perform or die, she was distraught.  Thanks a lot, dad.  Rumplestiltskin helped helped her, but in desperation, she made a pretty bad deal.  (That wager  later came back to haunt her.)  After three nights, the king was finally satisfied and married her.  Wouldn't we all want to marry a man who would kill us over some golden straw?   Demanding much?  I'll pass.  What else would a guy like that expect?  Plus, I've always wondered what would happen if he decided he wanted some more later...

http://theforestwitch.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/gustafsonrumpelstiltskin2-332x414.jpg
I wouldn't want any of the men in her life...just sayin...


Snow White had a vain stepmother who actually hired an assassin to kill her...and carried some nasty apples.  

http://stylefrizz.com/img/rachel-weisz-snow-white.jpg
Another victim of a crappy stepmother...

It just seems to me that the heroines in fairy tales had some serious issues.  I love the old stories, but as I've grown older I realize the flaws.  I look at my life in perspective.  I have been through a lot, but I am stronger for it.  Living through divorce was tough, but I have finally found my Prince Charming.  He doesn't look like an Abercrombie model or ride up on a white horse (more like a nerd with a white Jeep), but he's amazing!  I happen to think he's adorable, and that horses are overrated.  Fairy tale guys can fight dragons and scale tower walls, but my guy is even better.  He held me and told me I was beautiful when I was too sick to talk without throwing up.  He draws me pictures of fairies and dragons.  He loves and accepts my daughter...and all the rest of my crazy family. We finish each other's sentences.  We nerd out together on sci-fi. I could go on all day, but the point is that I am blessed.

And he provides tech support...be jealous.

So Cinderella can have her shoe-sniffing jock.  Rapunzel can run off with a wall-climbing stranger.  Sleeping Beauty can wake up from her coma to her dragon-slaying prince.  The Miller's Daughter can have her greedy, cruel king.  Snow White can have the guy roaming through forests, kissing random chicks laying there looking dead. (Eww...)

For the first time in my life, I prefer reality.  Although I have to admit, I periodically check the back of my closet for entrances to Narnia.  And a vacation in the TARDIS or to the Shire would be all right...

The Doctor could drop by any time...

5 comments:

  1. Heather this is great. I think you could submit this story for publication...seriously! I love that your Prince Charming is one of the nicest guys I've met in a long time. Love is great when its based on reality! hugs, Linda

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    Replies
    1. Linda, where would I submit? I don't have the first clue. Being a writer is my dream though. :)

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  2. You can write quite well. I enjoy reading your blog.

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