Thursday, June 13, 2013

Another day with depression...

Depression is such a monster.  It sucks all the joy out of life.  Right now mine is at an all-time high. I would have told you even a few weeks ago that this was 2nd or 3rd in severity.  I've had several really horrible episodes in my life. 

I think this one tops them all.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Depression clouds your judgement.  You can't remember ever giving up hope like this or feeling so horrible. 

But I DO know that I'm still a person somewhere in there.  When friends turn away I hurt.  When my family rolls their eyes at me it stings.  When people say "pray it away" or "pick yourself up by the bootstraps" and I CAN'T it makes me feel even more worthless. 

To those of you who love me through it, you are amazing.  You are the only reason I keep breathing.  I'm not exaggerating.  When my faith is so shattered I can't see God through the darkness, you keep me holding on until the fog clears a little.  When I feel like there is nothing left of me, you make me see a glimmer of life in myself.  When all I can do is cry, you help me laugh.  When I can't even laugh, you carry me...through prayers and hugs.  There are very few of you left.  I worry all the time that I will lose you too.  

People throw the word "love" around, but I know what it is.  My husband has shown me like no other.  Love is holding another person when all she can do is cry.  Love is whispering prayers over her.  Love is watching her hurt and it killing you inside, but you refuse to leave her alone. 

And love is pulling out of a hug to realize he was crying with you.

Monday, June 10, 2013

What's the Point

Disclaimer:  Depressing post alert!!!

What is the point of getting up?  I don't have anyone to haul around right now, which is nice.  But it makes me realize my only purpose in life lately has been driving teenagers around.  How lame am I?

I should go volunteer.  I should work harder to find a job.  I'm going back to sleep. 

What's the point anyway really?  Yes, the depression is high today. It always is on a Monday. 

Weekends are better.  It's easier to forget that I'm nothing when my husband doesn't get up and leave for his job.  But Monday rolls around and he goes back to work...

I will get through this!  But right now I need a nap. 

Sunday, June 9, 2013

I'm "OVER" It!

Hello, my name is Heather.

I am an overthinker. 

There should be support groups for people like me.  Unfortunately, they would never get off the ground because the planners would sit around for years overthinking it.  Just imagine:

What would we call it?  How should we advertise?  What location should we use?  Oh that one is too complicated to find.  Wait, that location wouldn't have sufficient parking.  We can't do it on that day of the month because some elementary schools have their PTA meetings then.  Would we have snacks?  Who would bring them?  What if a participant signs up to bring something then doesn't make it?  Who would be the backup?  What if a tsunami hits during a meeting?  What if a purple elephant escapes the zoo, runs across the city to the exact location of the meeting, tramples through a wall and eats all the snacks?!

Well, you get the idea.  This is my brain...ALL THE TIME!!!

It makes everyday life a huge, overwhelming chore. 

What should I wear today?  What should I eat?  I have tons on the agenda, so which should I do first?  What jobs should I apply for?  Should I go for jobs I know would easily hire or really follow my dreams?  What are my dreams?  Would I have health insurance?  Would I get sick and vacation time?  Does it pay enough to be worth it?  What about the commute?  Maybe I should just take a nap...

Decisions are a part of everyday life.  Overthinking makes me crazy, but it is so difficult to stop doing.  But I do not even stop there....

I also look back and overthink the past. 

What if I had made that decision instead?  How could I have worked that out?  What if I had worked harder?  What if I had waited it out longer?  What if I had held my mouth the right way on one foot while whistling a symphony?!

While reflection can be a good thing, living in the land of "what-if's" is paralyzing.  It keeps us from letting go and moving on.  This is where I have been stuck lately. 

But the land of "what-if's" is NOT somewhere to stay long-term.  It's like a rest stop on a road trip.  You may need to pop in and take care of some business:  use the restroom, refuel, maybe grab a snack.  But you wouldn't want to pitch a tent and live there.  We should keep that in mind while looking at the past. 

1) Use the restroom - Get rid of the waste.  What did I do wrong?  Learn from it.  Note to self, next time do it this way instead!  Now FLUSH THAT CRAP!  Stop thinking about it.  It's gone.  That's it.  Wipe your figurative hiney and move on.

2) Refuel - When we go through stuff we get tired.  Stress wears us out.  We need to stop sometimes and refresh ourselves.  A car cannot work without gasoline.  Even an electric car needs to recharge the batteries.  We are the same way.  Take a break.  Rest.  Pray.  Meditate.  Do yoga.  Whatever refreshes you, DO IT!

3) Grab a snack - Ok this is pushing the analogy, but there is a point to be made.  Eating healthy leads to better health.  Better health leads to clearer thinking.  Clearer thinking enables one to make better decisions.  Better decisions help us to be happier and not have as many instances of regret that make us look back and overthink the past!  It's a circle! "Snacks" can also mean feeding our brain by continuing to learn.  Both are helpful. 

Now the problem for me is DOING this.  I can see that I need to, but I get so caught up in the overage that I often do not realize I'm there until the tornado in my head is at an F5!  I know it is a habit that will take time to conquer.  The only thing I can think of in the meantime is to ask for prayer. 

Lord, I know I way overthink things.  It is harmful to me.  Please help me learn to review and let it go.  Remind me to put it in YOUR hands.  I know you have this. 


Friday, June 7, 2013

New Way of Thinking

Sometimes I don't write for weeks at a time.  Then sometimes I post two in one day.  I'm unpredictible like that.

So I was talking to a friend on Facebook the other day.  She said something pretty profound that has been making me think a lot.  I tend to think way too much, so this isn't a newsflash...but anyway...

She told me she once read a book by a Catholic author I'm not sure of...but he outlined something that changed my friend's life.  He said to maximize our potential we must feed 4 areas daily: spiritual, physical, intellectual, and relational.  Each area is just as important as the others. 

My mind was already overcomplicating things, but my friend stressed the importance of keeping it simple.  She even has a backup plan for those days she's just too tired.  If she planned to read her Bible she has the backup of listening to a devotional podcast.  One day relational may be as simple as an encouraging text.  The point is to plan these areas and be intentional about it. 
I love this and am trying to implement it.  Physical is the hardest right now with my bad ankle, but that's an excuse.  I'm working on it!  I will try to write another day about my progress.  Prayers are appreciated!

Faithful to My Rambling

I had this brilliant idea to start a blog about depression and ADHD.  It's great in theory, but I find it difficult to box myself in that way.  Some days I'm overwhelmed and feel the depression strongly.  Other days I'm frustrated in my scatterbrained ADHD ways.  Yet other days I just feel the need to write something fun and silly...or something about faith. 

The point is that I'd have to start several different blogs to keep up with all that...and I can't keep up with that many.  So I'm sticking with be it. 

I know I should be more focused, but I'm just not.  So I'm remaining faithful to my rambling out loud blog.

I'd think it might be a problem...if I had more than like 5 readers anyway...

Love you guys!