Wednesday, January 25, 2012

A Fairy Tale Life...

People always seem to long for a "fairy tale" life...but I was thinking, is that really a good thing?

Sure, MOST of them end well...but what did they have to endure to get to that point?  And even with the "happy" endings, was the final result all that great?

Cinderella was an emotionally abused orphan. She had to deal with the untimely death of both her parents!  To make matters worse, she was stuck with a horrible stepmother and two nasty pieces of work for stepsisters.  They made her a seriously overworked servant and teased her mercilessly.  I know some kids who aren't crazy about their steps, but come on...most aren't THAT bad...

Think about it...they would rather BREAK THE LAW then let her have one night of happiness!  These are not pleasant roommates, people!

Skip to the fairy godmother...she waves her magic wand and....

            POOF!  Instant makeover!!!
Sorry...I was going to use the cartoon, but I thought this was beautiful...even if it is an ad for Disney.

Now even I can admit that the idea of a fabulous transformation into a gorgeous supermodel, wearing red-carpet-worthy duds, would be nice, but even that had an expiration date.  Midnight, remember?  And don't get me started on the animal rights violations...

So what happens after that?  She has a great time at a killer party, meets a rich hottie, gets jiggy wit it....ok, my daughter would be gagging now, so I'll stop...
Anyway, the hottie (aka Prince Charming) was bored to tears and didn't even want to be there.  He had been perfectly happy single, roaming about the kingdom doing princely things...slaying dragons, rescuing maidens, blah blah blah.  But the second he sees Cinderella he is struck dumb with love.  Are you serious???  LOVE?  Really?  Methinks the blood flow to the brain was going elsewhere...

At midnight, she runs away and leaves the glass slipper, so he uses that to find her...since of course, no two women could possibly wear the same size.  (I'm guessing he was tired of mom's nagging for a grandbaby, so he agrees to marry the winner of his weird little contest.)  He makes every woman in the kingdom try it on, but luckily for him,  it doesn't fit anyone except a ragged little scullery maid.  Now, forgive me, but wouldn't he remember her face if he loved her that much?  Oh wait!  I forgot he was looking for a hot supermodel, not a dirty slave.  Plus, the blood flow was back, and he probably sobered up a bit.  Though surprised, he remembers that she cleans up well, so he figures "what the hell"?

Sure, she has a dream wedding and becomes a princess.  Complete with palace and designer clothes, our girl lives in style now, but what did she marry?  A rich jock who thinks she's hot.  Nice.  How's that going to play out in a few years, once she plumps up from all the royal babies, sumptuous feasts, and sitting in the throne room all day?

Moving on...

Rapunzel. This poor girl was stolen from her family by a selfish witch and locked in a tower!  LOCKED in a tower!!!  How would you like to go all your life without going outside?  I'm talking a serious closet case.  Claustrophobic much?  And can you imagine having hair that long?  I mean, I know it looks great in a storybook picture, but what a pain in the butt!  The weight and upkeep of that mop alone would make me nuts.  Let's not forget that it was also her foster mom's favorite climbing rope...can you say "migraine"?  OUCH!
Diggin the brunette offense to you blondes out there!
Like any rebellious teenager who has been grounded for a long, long, LONG time...Rapunzel gets bored.  So when a hot guy with mad climbing skills impersonates the witch and jumps in her window, she's thrilled to sneak out.  What can I say?  She likes to live dangerously...but it catches up with her.  When witch-mommy finds them, she's furious.  So she blinds Mr. Sexy, and whisks Rapunzel away.  Control freak.  (Then again, a daddy would have been even worse...)

ANYWAY, they eventually find each other...after years of misery.  I know you're shocked, but they get married.  Duh.  But has anyone thought about the future?

This girl is going to need some serious therapy. After growing up a closet case, in a dysfunctional, single-parent family, she runs off with the first man she meets.  The couple is then a victim of domestic violence.  This sounds like an episode of Springer!

While searching for a great Rapunzel picture (that wasn't from Tangled...which by the way is a great movie), I found this and HAD to share...
Haha!  I guess the point is that she made cappuccino that smells so great it's attracting the neighborhood...but oh how wrong this could go...and the slogan is "Drink more, Flirt more".  Isn't that usually the case?  :)

The other fairy tales had their issues too...

Sleeping Beauty was in a Maleficent-induced coma for 100 years.  Talk about a headache from oversleeping!  I have always wondered about the logic in the Disney version...the fairies hid her all her life,  but brought her back on her sixteenth birthday, which was the VERY DAY THE CURSE WOULD HAPPEN. Is it just me, or should they have been taking extra precautions during the birthday week...I mean, take her home the day after!!!  And by the way...scariest witch/dragon EVER when I was a kid...
I want my mommy!

The Miller's Daughter had an idiot for a father who liked to show off.  The king heard that she could spin straw into gold, and the greedy jerk locked her up!  Ordered to perform or die, she was distraught.  Thanks a lot, dad.  Rumplestiltskin helped helped her, but in desperation, she made a pretty bad deal.  (That wager  later came back to haunt her.)  After three nights, the king was finally satisfied and married her.  Wouldn't we all want to marry a man who would kill us over some golden straw?   Demanding much?  I'll pass.  What else would a guy like that expect?  Plus, I've always wondered what would happen if he decided he wanted some more later...
I wouldn't want any of the men in her life...just sayin...

Snow White had a vain stepmother who actually hired an assassin to kill her...and carried some nasty apples.
Another victim of a crappy stepmother...

It just seems to me that the heroines in fairy tales had some serious issues.  I love the old stories, but as I've grown older I realize the flaws.  I look at my life in perspective.  I have been through a lot, but I am stronger for it.  Living through divorce was tough, but I have finally found my Prince Charming.  He doesn't look like an Abercrombie model or ride up on a white horse (more like a nerd with a white Jeep), but he's amazing!  I happen to think he's adorable, and that horses are overrated.  Fairy tale guys can fight dragons and scale tower walls, but my guy is even better.  He held me and told me I was beautiful when I was too sick to talk without throwing up.  He draws me pictures of fairies and dragons.  He loves and accepts my daughter...and all the rest of my crazy family. We finish each other's sentences.  We nerd out together on sci-fi. I could go on all day, but the point is that I am blessed.

And he provides tech jealous.

So Cinderella can have her shoe-sniffing jock.  Rapunzel can run off with a wall-climbing stranger.  Sleeping Beauty can wake up from her coma to her dragon-slaying prince.  The Miller's Daughter can have her greedy, cruel king.  Snow White can have the guy roaming through forests, kissing random chicks laying there looking dead. (Eww...)

For the first time in my life, I prefer reality.  Although I have to admit, I periodically check the back of my closet for entrances to Narnia.  And a vacation in the TARDIS or to the Shire would be all right...

The Doctor could drop by any time...

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Twisted Television Tales

Once Upon a Time, there was a New Girl who was good,
Who found herself the victim of an unplanned Parenthood.
Mister Roger's Neighborhood would never be the same,
After living through the Cupcake Wars, she knew she wanted Fame.
She quickly packed The Office, and then forwarded her mail,
She hopped aboard The Love Boat, where she happily set sail.
The girl was a Survivor, and her child filled her with Glee.
She started Dancing with the Stars and promptly broke her knee.
Injured and alone, and needing help within a flash,
She called her good friend Merlin, and he conjured up some cash.
Satisfied with her new life, she bought herself some Cribs,
And then she got an Entourage, but found they told her fibs.
All the Pretty Little Liars, with their lip gloss and their hair,
Always chased after the Bachelor, and they didn't want to share.
And Unforgettable Blue Bloods, hunted evil Criminal Minds,
All utilizing CSI to analyze their finds.
The Mentalist would help his Friends by solving with his head,
Until he found the Lost Red John, who needed to be dead.
Springer fought with Maury and wound up in the ER,
With Taboo midget-prostitutes who vandalized a car.
Then Dance Moms brought their Toddlers and Tiaras to the stage,
Showing off their selfish brats just filled the crowd with rage.
They caught a ride with Heroes, who dropped them on Jersey Shore,
Where they Chopped and ate their Bizarre Foods but wanted so much more.
So they hitchhiked to the Cake Boss, and they begged him for some treats,
But Carlos want friendly, he refused their plea for sweets .
After working several Dirty Jobs and being thrown in jail
Judge Judy saw that they had changed and let them out on bail.
They ran into A Gifted Man, who let them ride along,
He said his name was Zak and then he sang a haunting song,
So they travelled far and had some Ghost Adventures on the way,
They met the Sons of Anarchy while rolling through LA.
Disappointed with celebrities, they knew just what to do!
So they jumped into the TARDIS and took off with Doctor Who.
This story is So Random, but there's a moral, never fear!
Television rots your brain and multiplies your rear!

And this is what happens when word nerds get bored...

Friday, January 13, 2012

My First Attempt at Creating a Textured Painting with Hot Glue...or Elmer's...

I haven't been on much lately.  I've been too busy off in crafting world!  Pinterest has totally inspired me.  My family thinks I've gone completely insane...well, more so than usual anyway.

I will spare you the multitude of projects I have been dabbling in...we would be here all day....

However, after spending part of the night and most of the day on this latest one, I'm sharing!

I've been saving cans, boxes, jars, bottles and any other containers I can think of.  In my search for recycling projects, I ran across the idea to turn a cereal box into an artist's canvas.  I have tons of cereal boxes...most of which are currently 1/3 full of stale, old cereal.  I was intrigued.

But wait!  There's more!  The artist not only used a cereal box for the canvas, he used hot glue to trace flowers and create the beginnings of a painting!!!  Cool!!!  Tim Coffey Art has SO many neat ideas.  (I tried to link the direct video, but it didn't work...sorry!)

Here's a picture of his finished project.  (Yes, his is MUCH more professional.)

Anyway, I loved the idea...but last night I got this crazy art bug and didn't want to take the time to prep the box.  So I used a panel instead.  Another day I'll actually do the cereal box thing, but this was a 2:00 in the morning experiment.  So I may not have been at my full mental capacity...  :)

The tutorial example used flowers, but I have to be different...and more difficult.  It's a flaw.  So I went with butterflies.  Was this a good choice for my first experiment?  Probably not, but I ran with it anyway.

I printed out some basic coloring pictures of butterflies and glued them on my panel.   It was at that point that I made my first mistake.  My high temp glue gun didn't work well.  I think it's just way too hot.  I have since experimented on cardboard (not wanting to waste another panel...or cereal box...I do get smarter eventually...).  The problem was the high temp.  Low temp seems to work great.  I just made some swirlies and squiggles to see, and they turned out fantastic.  So the next time I try this, I know what I need to do!

At 2:00 AM I wasn't that bright.  I used Elmer's.  Hey, it worked!  (Note:  hot glue is is a bigger, more solid shape) Once I finished outlining the butterflies, I decided I needed a flower.  Not wanting to go back to the internet and printer, I free-handed this with the glue.  It was easy, so it turned out ok.

After letting the glue dry overnight...which was difficult for me...I woke up this morning and dug in with both heels.

I painted, wiped, painted, glazed, etc for was a little obsessive I must say...

But here's the finished product!

I like it!  Of course, the smaller butterfly doesn't look exactly right...and I can pick out a zillion little things...  But overall, for my first attempt and the fact that it was Elmer's and not hot glue, it's not bad!  I believe I'll actually hang this on my wall.

I can't wait to do another one....correctly.  :)