Rambling Out Loud

While driving to buy supplies for our upcoming training at work I missed an exit...and this song was born!  (ADHD brain...what can I say?) Google Map Song (Tune of "Total Eclipse of the Heart") Turn around every now and then I get all up in my head and then I miss the exit that I need Turn around Every now and then I have to circle right back to where I was and then I'm lost again Turn around Every now and then I have to pull the car over so that I can figure out where I am Turn around Every now and then I get a little bit nervous cuz I'm lost and in the worst part of town Turn around lost soul This is when I need my Google Maps Turn around lost soul This is when I need my Google Maps And I need you now tonight And I need you more than ever And if you only lead the way I can navigate forever And we'll only be driving it right Cuz we'll never steer wrong together We can drive it to the end of the line Your satellite it knows where I...

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my mortality. Turning 45 reminded me that I'm halfway to 90, and it made me question what I've done with my life so far. Things didn't happen the way I thought they would. I didn't end up in the career I pictured or with the person that I thought was "the one". I don't have the money I hoped to at this point in my life. I haven't traveled around the world or even seen the Grand Canyon. To be honest, this all makes me a little sad (except the husband part..I'm very blessed).  But there always seems to be another bill to pay or another illness to treat, and dreams get pushed aside for another year. I start thinking maybe my life has been a waste. What if I never finish that book? What if I never travel? What if I die tomorrow? Even being a Christian I think it is so hard for us to process an eternity mindset. Sure, I know I'm going to heaven, but I'm not ready to give up the flesh. I still want to...

On my commute I have a lot of time to think, and one of the things that I've been pondering in my car is a slower pace of life. I think about when people would sit on their porches with lemonade and just talk to each other. I imagine a game of Scrabble or checkers or chess while watching the world go by.  No phones. No social media. No marathoning Netflix.  Just friends, family, and conversation.  I used to think that quietly sitting on the porch would be the most boring waste of an afternoon, but now I'm beginning to think they were on to something. Our life is so fast-paced now. Work, school, social events, sporting events, church, lessons, grocery shopping, cleaning, and the list goes on... I long to just sit in silence and companionship.  Oh, I'm good at sitting still with my phone. Sometimes I will lounge on my bed and glance up to realize I've sat there for two hours flipping through Facebook and Pinterest. How much of my life am I wasting on this dev...

Lately I've been thinking about regrets. Maybe it's because I'm halfway to ninety and life is going by quickly. Maybe I'm having a midlife crisis. Or maybe God is just moving. Regardless of the reasons, these are some things from my heart.  Around ten years ago a great friend who had been with me through many years and some tough times got married. We had both been through breakups and supported one another through single parenting. I babysat for her preschoolers. She helped with my anxious teenager. We laughed (a lot) and sometimes cried together.  Eventually she met a man that was perfect for her, and a decade later (give or take) they are still going strong. One of my biggest regrets is not going to their wedding. My excuse was illness, but the truth was more complicated.  I would love to say it was my depression and anxiety, and that may have been a small part of it. However, when you strip it down the truth is ugly. I was jealous. In retrospect, I think she...

I've been thinking about writing a book for most of my life. It keeps changing in my head. Sometimes it is fiction. Sometimes it is a children's book. Sometimes it is Christian non-fiction. Sometimes it is so jumbled and strange it doesn't fit into a category...and this explains why I have yet to write a book!  My brain is like a laptop with too many tabs open on the browser. There is so much going on it's hard for the processor to catch up.  However, I think I finally have a direction for the moment. I recently decided that the only way to get there is to focus on one idea and finish it. This is easier said than done, as I am easily distracted. Some days I feel like I have so much to say, but once I sit down at the laptop my mind goes blank. Writer's block? Complete terror? I'm not sure, but it is frustrating.  In an effort to force myself to write no matter what, I am setting a goal to write every day. I am putting it on the blog for my own form of accou...

When my daughter was little we had so many Christmas traditions. We made ornaments together. We loved baking and decorating cookies. We always drove around to see the Christmas lights, and we always listened to the Billy Gilman Christmas CD . (It’s one of the best…look it up) My mother started a tradition when I was a baby of giving me a new ornament every year so that when I grew up I’d have my own start. We kept that going with my daughter but went a step further. Everything on our tree is handmade or was a gift. We have spent many nights together with friends painting plaster and wooden ornaments. My husband sculpts some great sculpey ornaments and I paint them. And when we decorated the tree, Alyssa had to be the one to put the Christmas Spider on the branches near the top, in a place of honor.  If you don't know the Legend of the Christmas Spider, here you go! A few years ago, I remarried and welcomed two more daughters into the family. They noti...