Thursday, May 16, 2013

Writing Through a Broken Heart

My heart was broken several times last year, and I am still recovering.

I am not talking about love.  Actually, that part is one of my blessings.  (I married my love on May 4, 2013!  He is wonderful!!!)

Broken hearts are not always the result of a love gone wrong.  Life has other ways of destroying us.

In my case, it was mostly career-related.  I was the Center Administrator for an Early Head Start that I dearly loved.  It was my baby.  My staff was amazing.  I loved my families.  I felt that I had found my calling in life.  My center was a ministry.  Even through the death of my father and a major surgery, I was so blessed. 

That changed in March of last year.  I was moved against my will to a much larger center where I had previously been a teacher.  I loved many of those ladies as friends.  We had faced it all together.  We were a team.  And then I was told I had to go back and supervise them.  Leaving my center broke my heart.  Plus I knew the bigger school would be a challenge...partly because of my friends and partly because I knew the rest of the staff knew I had friends.  I survived.  But I stepped down at the end of the school year to return to being what is basically a social worker in Early Head Start.  (By my own request)

Mid-summer I took a chance and left the company for a dream that turned into a nightmare.  Due to a lot of factors, I couldn't go back.  (I'm still good with them...had to do with govt cuts, etc.  The fun of non-profit) 

My heart shattered.  I was angry with God.  Why would he open a door that would go so horribly wrong?  My self esteem was a wreck.  I laid in bed and cried a lot.  I stopped writing.  I stopped painting.  I stopped living.

I finally took a few photography classes (thank you, income tax refund!).  I truly believe taking the step outside of myself helped me come back to life.  I'm not there all the way, but every step helps.

So that brings us to the present.  I'm out there now trying to figure out what to do with my life.  I'm finding myself so blocked when it comes to artistic things I used to love.  I don't write much (but today I'm taking a step), I'm not painting, and I am not really happy with the current stage of my photography skills.

I've gotten some interviews, and they have all gone wonderfully.  But I still haven't gotten that position I need.  I'm not sure now what to look for...I don't know what I want to do. 

That's the hardest part.  Everyone says "what do YOU want?"

I can't answer that.