Rambling Out Loud

Yoda baby, slip an ewok under the tree for me Been a-one with the force Yoda baby, and hurry to my planet tonight Yoda baby, a lightsaber that glows when I fight, for light I'll wait up for those ears Yoda baby, so hurry to my planet tonight Think of all the fights I missed Think of all the jawas that I haven't kissed Next year I could be just as good If you'll check off my Star Wars list! Yoda baby, I want a ship so I can go on a trip Been a jedi all year Yoda baby, so hurry to my planet tonight Yoda honey, one thing that I really do need, the deed To a carbonite mine Yoda baby, so hurry to my planet tonight Yoda cutie, send a message through my r2-d2 Need some hope that is new Yoda cutie so hurry to my planet tonight Come and teach these padawan If you need it ask for help from Obi-Wan I really am one with the force But the best you still are of course Yoda baby, and stay away from Anakin too, Please do Darkness I sense in him Yoda baby, s...

While driving to buy supplies for our upcoming training at work I missed an exit...and this song was born!  (ADHD brain...what can I say?) Google Map Song (Tune of "Total Eclipse of the Heart") Turn around every now and then I get all up in my head and then I miss the exit that I need Turn around Every now and then I have to circle right back to where I was and then I'm lost again Turn around Every now and then I have to pull the car over so that I can figure out where I am Turn around Every now and then I get a little bit nervous cuz I'm lost and in the worst part of town Turn around lost soul This is when I need my Google Maps Turn around lost soul This is when I need my Google Maps And I need you now tonight And I need you more than ever And if you only lead the way I can navigate forever And we'll only be driving it right Cuz we'll never steer wrong together We can drive it to the end of the line Your satellite it knows where I...

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my mortality. Turning 45 reminded me that I'm halfway to 90, and it made me question what I've done with my life so far. Things didn't happen the way I thought they would. I didn't end up in the career I pictured or with the person that I thought was "the one". I don't have the money I hoped to at this point in my life. I haven't traveled around the world or even seen the Grand Canyon. To be honest, this all makes me a little sad (except the husband part..I'm very blessed).  But there always seems to be another bill to pay or another illness to treat, and dreams get pushed aside for another year. I start thinking maybe my life has been a waste. What if I never finish that book? What if I never travel? What if I die tomorrow? Even being a Christian I think it is so hard for us to process an eternity mindset. Sure, I know I'm going to heaven, but I'm not ready to give up the flesh. I still want to...

On my commute I have a lot of time to think, and one of the things that I've been pondering in my car is a slower pace of life. I think about when people would sit on their porches with lemonade and just talk to each other. I imagine a game of Scrabble or checkers or chess while watching the world go by.  No phones. No social media. No marathoning Netflix.  Just friends, family, and conversation.  I used to think that quietly sitting on the porch would be the most boring waste of an afternoon, but now I'm beginning to think they were on to something. Our life is so fast-paced now. Work, school, social events, sporting events, church, lessons, grocery shopping, cleaning, and the list goes on... I long to just sit in silence and companionship.  Oh, I'm good at sitting still with my phone. Sometimes I will lounge on my bed and glance up to realize I've sat there for two hours flipping through Facebook and Pinterest. How much of my life am I wasting on this dev...

Lately I've been thinking about regrets. Maybe it's because I'm halfway to ninety and life is going by quickly. Maybe I'm having a midlife crisis. Or maybe God is just moving. Regardless of the reasons, these are some things from my heart.  Around ten years ago a great friend who had been with me through many years and some tough times got married. We had both been through breakups and supported one another through single parenting. I babysat for her preschoolers. She helped with my anxious teenager. We laughed (a lot) and sometimes cried together.  Eventually she met a man that was perfect for her, and a decade later (give or take) they are still going strong. One of my biggest regrets is not going to their wedding. My excuse was illness, but the truth was more complicated.  I would love to say it was my depression and anxiety, and that may have been a small part of it. However, when you strip it down the truth is ugly. I was jealous. In retrospect, I think she...

I've been thinking about writing a book for most of my life. It keeps changing in my head. Sometimes it is fiction. Sometimes it is a children's book. Sometimes it is Christian non-fiction. Sometimes it is so jumbled and strange it doesn't fit into a category...and this explains why I have yet to write a book!  My brain is like a laptop with too many tabs open on the browser. There is so much going on it's hard for the processor to catch up.  However, I think I finally have a direction for the moment. I recently decided that the only way to get there is to focus on one idea and finish it. This is easier said than done, as I am easily distracted. Some days I feel like I have so much to say, but once I sit down at the laptop my mind goes blank. Writer's block? Complete terror? I'm not sure, but it is frustrating.  In an effort to force myself to write no matter what, I am setting a goal to write every day. I am putting it on the blog for my own form of accou...

When my daughter was little we had so many Christmas traditions. We made ornaments together. We loved baking and decorating cookies. We always drove around to see the Christmas lights, and we always listened to the Billy Gilman Christmas CD . (It’s one of the best…look it up) My mother started a tradition when I was a baby of giving me a new ornament every year so that when I grew up I’d have my own start. We kept that going with my daughter but went a step further. Everything on our tree is handmade or was a gift. We have spent many nights together with friends painting plaster and wooden ornaments. My husband sculpts some great sculpey ornaments and I paint them. And when we decorated the tree, Alyssa had to be the one to put the Christmas Spider on the branches near the top, in a place of honor.  If you don't know the Legend of the Christmas Spider, here you go! A few years ago, I remarried and welcomed two more daughters into the family. They noti...

**This is not exactly great writing...just my heart. Thanks for reading!** As I was browsing Facebook I saw some pictures posted by a family I know. Looking at their happy faces, it made me think of the children I serve that live in poverty. I know that may seem strange, but education is a passion for me. My mind drifted to the thirty-million word gap the majority of children in poverty bring with them to kindergarten. Here's a good place to start if you are interested:  https://www.aft.org/sites/default/files/periodicals/TheEarlyCatastrophe.pdf I then began to think of all the other gaps with children in poverty, and the reality is that these gaps add up and end up more of an ocean. There is an experience gap. Many children from lower socioeconomic backgrounds never leave their county. Put those children next to the ones who have been to the Grand Canyon and Disney and museums and various other places. One child may have been to Europe last summer, and the other watched...

You know, it's funny how God works. Sometimes he can take the simplest moment to drive home a point. This is not very glamorous, but yesterday I went to the restroom as we all do. I glanced down to make sure there was toilet paper before doing the deed. This is something I have learned the hard way in the past. All was going as planned until that moment of tragic realization... though there was toilet paper, four squares would never be enough. If you have ever experienced the horror you will understand. To make matters worse, I did not bring my phone. I was on a school campus with a small staff. Without the ability to get up, I had a lot of time to think. I calculated the probability that someone would enter in a timely fashion, and it was a little discouraging to realize it might be an eternity before someone else entered and was able to assist. The restroom at this school is off in a dark corner of isolation. Ordinarily, I appreciate the location as it offers privacy. I now s...

Everyone went to school with at least one weird kid. In third grade, the one that stands out for me was the girl who told everyone she was the princess of Saturn. Sadly, her planet was going through an intergalactic war, and she was sent to Earth for her safety. She missed her planet so much, but she was able to stay in touch with her people through the communicator hidden in her Holly Hobby lunchbox. Nobody else could see it though. It only worked for her. She put her jacket over her head after her ham and cheese to enter the zone.  The rest of the class loved the stories about Saturnia, her capitol city.   They longed to go with her to visit so they could see the beautiful rings and witness multiple moons. Her stories of the rocky horizon views were breathtaking. The palace sounded like such a magical place, and the advanced technology they used in their spacecrafts was mind-boggling. Her teenage brother was busy fighting the aggressors from Neptune. He loved ...

I've been working on learning photography the past couple of years.  Lately, I've been wondering what original art I could create with Photoshop.  Somewhere along the way, Alyssa (my daughter), was also bitten by the photography bug.  She took the picture, and the editing is mine.  I wanted to make sure and give her credit for an amazing shot to work with!  I had some too, but this was just the right "feel"...if that makes sense... Yes, it is rather dark.  No, I am not going to start sacrificing puppies to the gods of chaos.  I just happen to like fantasy and think this is incredibly cool. Oh and by the way, isn't Brittany beautiful?! (One of my stepdaughters)

I’m forty and have been wondering all my life where I fit into this world.    Never really a social butterfly, yet not quite an outcast…something of a loner who often still longs for the company of a friend…never popular but not really unpopular either…always looking for my niche but never belonging fully to any group… I am a wallflower.   I am a Hazel.   I am an observer in the world.   (If you got both of those references, I love you.   If not, read “Perks of Being a Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky and “The Fault in Our Stars” by John Green.   Seriously.   Do it.  I don't care that you are an adult and they are technically written for young adults.) But I don’t want to be an observer… I want to be an extrovert, always the life of the party.   I want to be the artistic soul who creates beautiful art and music and poetry. I want to be the intellectual everyone listens to for their sage wisdom. I want to make a mar...

This didn't go the way I thought it would.  I started this poem with a different goal in mind, but it ended up here.  It's a compilation of things people say to me in my depression before they walk away.  Eventually, most people do walk away.  Depression drains the victim, their family, and their friends.  It sucks for everyone.  Frustration Pray some more Try this pill Find your joy Must be God’s will Pick yourself up Just push through Make it happen It’s all on you Take a class Make a friend Distract yourself And it will end Fake a smile We all get sad Snap out of it Or I’ll get mad It never stops I can’t get through No matter what I say to you I have no words I see no end And so I walk away My friend