Rambling Out Loud

Lately I've been thinking about regrets. Maybe it's because I'm halfway to ninety and life is going by quickly. Maybe I'm having a midlife crisis. Or maybe God is just moving. Regardless of the reasons, these are some things from my heart.  Around ten years ago a great friend who had been with me through many years and some tough times got married. We had both been through breakups and supported one another through single parenting. I babysat for her preschoolers. She helped with my anxious teenager. We laughed (a lot) and sometimes cried together.  Eventually she met a man that was perfect for her, and a decade later (give or take) they are still going strong. One of my biggest regrets is not going to their wedding. My excuse was illness, but the truth was more complicated.  I would love to say it was my depression and anxiety, and that may have been a small part of it. However, when you strip it down the truth is ugly. I was jealous. In retrospect, I think she...

This didn't go the way I thought it would.  I started this poem with a different goal in mind, but it ended up here.  It's a compilation of things people say to me in my depression before they walk away.  Eventually, most people do walk away.  Depression drains the victim, their family, and their friends.  It sucks for everyone.  Frustration Pray some more Try this pill Find your joy Must be God’s will Pick yourself up Just push through Make it happen It’s all on you Take a class Make a friend Distract yourself And it will end Fake a smile We all get sad Snap out of it Or I’ll get mad It never stops I can’t get through No matter what I say to you I have no words I see no end And so I walk away My friend

I had this brilliant idea to start a blog about depression and ADHD.  It's great in theory, but I find it difficult to box myself in that way.  Some days I'm overwhelmed and feel the depression strongly.  Other days I'm frustrated in my scatterbrained ADHD ways.  Yet other days I just feel the need to write something fun and silly...or something about faith.  The point is that I'd have to start several different blogs to keep up with all that...and I can't keep up with that many.  So I'm sticking with one....so be it.  I know I should be more focused, but I'm just not.  So I'm remaining faithful to my rambling out loud blog. I'd think it might be a problem...if I had more than like 5 readers anyway... Love you guys!

It's raining outside.  Ordinarily, I love this weather.  I like to lie on my bed, snuggled up in one of grandma's quilts, and watch the drops from my window.  I love listening to the rumble of thunder while reading a favorite book. I live for these days. They are my favorites.  Today it's just gray, cold and wet.  God has created a perfect setting for the way I'm feeling.   My teenager started off the morning by being difficult and making me late for work.  I had just about let that go when I received the call that my uncle had passed away.  Besides the worry for my aunt, I began to really think about death. I thought about when my mom and I found my stepfather on the couch, after the heart attack in his sleep.  I thought about the aging family members I have, and all their health problems.  I thought about my great-grandfather who was no longer in his right mind after a traumatizing assault, and who eventually ended his own life. ...