Rambling Out Loud

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my mortality. Turning 45 reminded me that I'm halfway to 90, and it made me question what I've done with my life so far. Things didn't happen the way I thought they would. I didn't end up in the career I pictured or with the person that I thought was "the one". I don't have the money I hoped to at this point in my life. I haven't traveled around the world or even seen the Grand Canyon. To be honest, this all makes me a little sad (except the husband part..I'm very blessed).  But there always seems to be another bill to pay or another illness to treat, and dreams get pushed aside for another year. I start thinking maybe my life has been a waste. What if I never finish that book? What if I never travel? What if I die tomorrow? Even being a Christian I think it is so hard for us to process an eternity mindset. Sure, I know I'm going to heaven, but I'm not ready to give up the flesh. I still want to...

I almost didn't participate in the blog hop this week.  I struggle with depression, and today isn't great.  That's just the reason I figured I should go for it!  It may be short, but I will push through this.  I will at least share what God has showed me this week...     This book keeps touching me in many ways, but this part stopped me in my tracks.  It hit me so hard I actually had to go back and read it again....and tweet about it...and post about it on Facebook.  This is me, every second of every day.    I don't even know where to start: I like my house until I see how much nicer everyone else's is...and then I realize I'm not providing enough for my family. I am proud of my children, but when they make mistakes I feel like I wasn't a good enough parent. I love my lifegroup (small group at church), but I see how they all have more willpower and success and money than me...so I feel like a huge loser....

Then you will know that I am the Lord ; those who hope in me will not be disappointed.  Isaiah 49:23b I've decided that for this week's blog hop in  Proverb's 31 "A Confident Heart" Study , I will "unpack" Isaiah 49:23b.  See:  Verse Mapping   I considered all the other topics, but since doubt and depression are huge issues for me I didn't feel ready to write about them.  Maybe I will get there...f or now, Isaiah 49:23b.   The first thing I did was personalize... Then  Heather will know that I am the Lord; when Heather hopes in me she will not be disappointed. I need to remind myself that He speaks directly to me through His word.  Next I thought about the word "know".   It doesn't say Heather will speculate or guess or think...it says "know".  That is tough for me.  I want no doubts.  I want to be sure with everything in me that He is Lord and what He says is true.  Theoretically I get it...

Life is hard. Not “my life is hard” or “your life is hard”. Life is just hard. I know it may not be an epiphany for some of you, but this is where I work out the thoughts in my head. Hear me out.  Last night, I watched the Glee episode where they said goodbye to Finn. The actor, Cory Monteith, died from a deadly combination of heroin and alcohol. He had gone to rehab more than once, but addiction ultimately claimed his life. He was only 31. He was rich and famous and had a beautiful girlfriend (some rumors say fiancée). His story is one of a kid who got wrapped up in drugs, dropped out of school and was headed nowhere. In a “rags to riches” story straight out of Hollywood, the kid without a future auditioned for a role on Glee and made it. He didn’t get a little bit part either. Cory’s character, Finn Hudson, was the core of the group. In fact, I’d say Finn was what made Glee great. He was the dopey jock that actually cared about people. He was the nice kid that ...

I’ve been hiding in my room a lot the past few days.   I tend to do that when life gets overwhelming.   It may not be the healthiest way to cope, but it works as long as I don’t stay there too long.   Introverted by nature, sometimes I just have to step away from everything.   I read.   I pray.   I listen to inspirational music.   And sometimes I just sleep… Yesterday my stepmother went to be with Jesus.   So I’m in one of those phases today.   I will be ok.   I just need some alone time.   One positive that comes from me hiding out is I tend to write more, and writing is therapeutic for me.   Today I am in a weird place.   I’m hiding out, but I’m restless.   Having exhausted all the usual mind-numbing habits (checking facebook, flipping through channels, etc) I decided to open the Bible.   I realize that should be the first thing I do, not the last.   However, today it just is what it is. ...

Recently, God has convicted me that I need to spend much more time in His word.   The challenge is that I am not following someone else’s study. There is nothing wrong with studies led by others, and in the future I have no problem doing them.   But I have been convicted that God wants to speak to our hearts sometimes without being colored by another person’s opinion.   So I am praying and letting Him lead me in understanding. Why Ephesians?   I’m not really sure.   It may stem way back to youth camp.   The focus one summer was Ephesians.   It must have been powerful because I remember it, and there are actually very few things I remember vividly:   ·          Dawson (Noswad) McAllister and the snot jokes ·          Bright yellow t-shirts ·          Some cute guy at Devil’s Bathtub (It was a rock basin type thing...

My heart is broken for this world.   There is so much pain and hunger and fear and injustice.   It’s often difficult for me to find a balance between caring and letting it all overwhelm me.   Maybe that is the reason missionaries and the people they serve have been on my mind so much… I’m not sure how many of you know that I felt called to go into missions when I was thirteen.   Over the next few years, I convinced myself that it was just a “church camp high”.   My logic was that there is no way God would ever call ME.   Psh.   Who am I?   Nothing. I have gone back to this over the years.   Sometimes I feel the pull so strongly it threatens to overwhelm me.   I get so frustrated by the fact that I seem stuck where I am.   I cry out to God, “If you want me to go, then show me the way!!!”   At other times it’s a gentle tug…somewhere in the back of my mind I feel His presence urging me on to something.   The closer ...

http://s2.hubimg.com/u/2119845_f520.jpg I have come to a conclusion.  Sometimes God uses us by throwing us into an ocean of nonbelievers.  But how do we shine effectively?  Be a LIGHTHOUSE... I know you've heard that Jesus is like a lighthouse, but guess what?  If Jesus is in us, we should be as well! For so the Lord has commanded us: "I have set you as a light to the Gentiles, that you should be for salvation to the ends of the earth.’”  Acts 13:47 Does a lighthouse make a lot of noise?  No.  It just shines.  We shouldn't hide our light, but we also shouldn't beat people over the head with our beliefs.  We can be open.  We can express our belief.  We can even disagree with someone...in LOVE.  But then we need to drop it and just live...our light should shine with no words.  When sailors would rather face a tsunami than stop to chat, you may be talking too much. Rather, it should b...

There are times that God calls us for something... And then there are times He shoves us into the deep end...headfirst...kicking and screaming all the way!  I am currently a supervisor to a staff of six.  As of March 1, I am going to be a supervisor to a staff of thirty!   I wasn't asked.  I wasn't offered the choice.  I was told this is what I was going to do. And I was terrified....not of the position, but of myself not being ready... I gave them reasons why I wasn't enough. They countered with reasons why I was. I whined. They smiled. I said there are too many different personalities there and they might not like me. They said they thought I was great with everyone. I said I didn't have the skills. They said they knew I did. I said "I don't want to" They said "too bad" So I panicked! I thought of every "what if" in the book... I created a huge wall I'd never be able to climb...heck, I created the Great Wall o...