Regrets...Part One

Lately I've been thinking about regrets. Maybe it's because I'm halfway to ninety and life is going by quickly. Maybe I'm having a midlife crisis. Or maybe God is just moving. Regardless of the reasons, these are some things from my heart. 

Around ten years ago a great friend who had been with me through many years and some tough times got married. We had both been through breakups and supported one another through single parenting. I babysat for her preschoolers. She helped with my anxious teenager. We laughed (a lot) and sometimes cried together. 

Eventually she met a man that was perfect for her, and a decade later (give or take) they are still going strong. One of my biggest regrets is not going to their wedding. My excuse was illness, but the truth was more complicated. I would love to say it was my depression and anxiety, and that may have been a small part of it. However, when you strip it down the truth is ugly. I was jealous. In retrospect, I think she knew. Our relationship changed afterwards and was never the same. She is still my friend, but we were never as close again.  

My self-esteem was so low the thought of watching a happy couple exchange vows made me sick to my stomach. I remember crying on my bed and asking God why he loved her more than me. Why didn't I deserve someone too? At times I screamed my hate at my Father who created me. I begged for him to strike me down because I could not stand the thought of getting out of bed again. She never knew the depth of self-loathing and pain in my heart, although she had to see some of it. 

This is much more difficult to write than I realized. As I read my own words I am appalled at myself. How could I do that to such a great friend? Why could I not get out of my own head long enough to wish them well? How could I not see the blessings in my own life? 

The reason is simple but painful. I was a complete mess, and I am not proud of those years. In fact, it hurts to remember the darkness I lived in for most of my life. Because when I really think about it I realize I was this way throughout my childhood. There were moments of happiness, but the cloud was always hovering above. At any second, the storm would burst forth and I would be curled in the fetal position wishing for death. 

Friends, I'm not exaggerating and that scares me. I lived in a torturous cycle of mistakes followed by self-loathing followed by fear and then repeat. I now realize running in circles is counterproductive, but at the time I was far too sick to jump off the hamster wheel. I was wearing blinders and could only see the path in front of my face, not the much healthier roads off to either side. 

I ruminated on how much of a failure I was because I did not have many close friends. They say God doesn't make junk, but I figured  they must be wrong in my case. That was why nobody stayed. 

Of course, I never realized how uncomfortable I was to be around. People can feel misery and self-loathing, and those are not pleasant characteristics in a friend. Even in that, there were still a few of the faithful who stuck by my side as long as possible. I am thankful. I am sorry. I appreciate all you did...even though it may have looked like I was too selfish to care. 

I have finally forgiven myself for that and many other things. In order to be fully transparent, sometimes I still feel myself drifting down that road. Thankfully, I have grown and am now more able to change direction instead of running head-first down the path of destruction. My relationship with Jesus has healed me so much, and he is not done with me yet!

So I write this for you, my friend. You did so much to lighten the darkness in my world. I was selfish and messed up. You already knew that. What you may not know is how much I regret missing such an important day in your life. You were such a wonderful friend to me, and I did not deserve you. Please forgive me. 

https://quotefancy.com/quote/878354/Nouman-Ali-Khan-Regret-is-a-form-of-punishment-itself