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Thursday, June 13, 2013

Another day with depression...

Depression is such a monster.  It sucks all the joy out of life.  Right now mine is at an all-time high. I would have told you even a few weeks ago that this was 2nd or 3rd in severity.  I've had several really horrible episodes in my life. 

I think this one tops them all.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Depression clouds your judgement.  You can't remember ever giving up hope like this or feeling so horrible. 

But I DO know that I'm still a person somewhere in there.  When friends turn away I hurt.  When my family rolls their eyes at me it stings.  When people say "pray it away" or "pick yourself up by the bootstraps" and I CAN'T it makes me feel even more worthless. 

To those of you who love me through it, you are amazing.  You are the only reason I keep breathing.  I'm not exaggerating.  When my faith is so shattered I can't see God through the darkness, you keep me holding on until the fog clears a little.  When I feel like there is nothing left of me, you make me see a glimmer of life in myself.  When all I can do is cry, you help me laugh.  When I can't even laugh, you carry me...through prayers and hugs.  There are very few of you left.  I worry all the time that I will lose you too.  

People throw the word "love" around, but I know what it is.  My husband has shown me like no other.  Love is holding another person when all she can do is cry.  Love is whispering prayers over her.  Love is watching her hurt and it killing you inside, but you refuse to leave her alone. 

And love is pulling out of a hug to realize he was crying with you.

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